Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) in Polyamory: What It Is and Why It Usually Fails
By PolyVous Editorial Team — Published April 24, 2026 — 7 min read
Don't Ask, Don't Tell arrangements — where partners agree not to disclose details of their other relationships — are common in early ENM exploration. Here's what you need to know before you try it.
What Is Don't Ask, Don't Tell?
Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) in polyamory refers to an arrangement in which partners agree that each person may have outside connections — but that the details of those connections will not be shared with each other. One partner doesn't ask; the other doesn't volunteer information.
Why People Choose DADT
DADT is most commonly chosen by:
Couples opening a relationship for the first time who find detailed disclosure too emotionally destabilizing.
People with high jealousy sensitivity who find that information about outside relationships triggers difficult emotional spirals.
People navigating practical situations — workplace concerns, family situations — where knowing the details creates a burden.
When DADT Can Work (Temporarily)
DADT is most workable as a transitional arrangement — a step toward more openness for people who aren't yet ready for full disclosure.
Why DADT Usually Becomes Problematic
Suppressed information creates anxiety rather than reducing it. Not knowing the details doesn't eliminate the knowledge that something is happening. For most people, imagination fills the gap with things often more distressing than reality.
It prevents processing of genuine emotions. Jealousy and insecurity in ENM require processing — ideally with partners. DADT closes off this processing channel.
Additional partners are being kept secret. The people your partner is involved with may not know they're being kept secret, or know and feel like second-class participants.
It becomes unsustainable as relationships deepen. DADT may be workable for casual connections. When genuine feelings develop or outside connections begin intersecting with shared life, the arrangement strains.
It often masks avoidance of necessary emotional work. The issues that make disclosure feel impossible will eventually surface regardless of what information is shared.
What to Consider If You're Using DADT
- Name it for what it is — a temporary coping mechanism, not a permanent solution
- Agree on a regular check-in to assess whether the arrangement still serves everyone
- Be honest with yourself about what you're avoiding
- Consider the experience of your additional partners
PolyVous is built on the premise that ethical non-monogamy means all people in the network are treated with genuine respect and transparency.
Join PolyVous — and build relationships on a foundation of real honesty.